Backward Rain

  June 7, 2003


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Saturday - June 7, 2003


My doctor, the one who shrinks heads, said I should take up meditation.  I said the Beatles tried that in the 60ís but they became disenchanted when they found out that the Maharishi was a womanizing publicity hound.  He said with an attitude like that Iíll never get better.  I said psychiatrists donít get people better; they just convince the insane to be happy with who they are.  He laughed.

 At work, Ronald (donít call me Ron) said I should really look into Buddhism.  He talked about all the different sects  and the different paths I could take.  I pointed out that India had the bomb and was threatening to use it.  What good does Buddhism do them?  He said that was an entirely different mater then gave me a book about the teachings of Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.  OK, OK,  Iím reading the book but I think itís unlikely that it will turn my life around.  Iím way too skeptical for that. Anyway, wasn't I supposed to do this back in the 60's with the Beatles?  From the entry across the way, it looks like I should have started in the spring of 67.

Sorry about all this.  It gets really boring especially when you consider I haven't grown emotionally in 36 years.  Ouch!  This is getting painful.  Honestly, feel free to bail anytime.


New Chicks - Anyone want a peacock?



April 28, 1967 - Friday

I'm really fed up with things around here.  My parents are really getting on my nerves.  It's gotten to the point where I'm trying to avoid them.  I hate to admit it but I've really lost all respect for them.

My problem is I can't pin down what exactly it is about them that annoys me.  They always argue, they drink too much and father is always falling asleep.  Last Sunday he fell asleep in church.  Another thing that annoys me is they're always trying to find out what I'm doing.  I can't go out without going through the first degree.  They seem so god damn worried that I'm going to run out and get drunk.

With my screwed up friends I couldn't get into trouble if I tried.  I went out with Kirk tonight and he nearly made me sick.  He drives like a child and his conversations are worse.  To top the evening off, he went to the store and bought some comic books!!  He only graduates this year.

I don't know what's come over me but I'm sick of everybody.  I hate to sound over dramatic but I'm even sick of myself.  Something's been building up inside of me for a long time and I can't figure out what it is.  I'm sick of being a saint.  Always the nice guy everybody pushes around.  I used to walk around trying to be perfect in everyway.  Now I don't give a damn.  I'm going to act the way I feel I should.  I'm not going to worry what people say.

Another thing bothering me lately is god.  I suddenly find I don't believe in him.  All religion seems so phony to me I just can't believe it.  It's all based on a bunch of unbelievable childish folklore.  The bible was written for people with the intellects of a child and today it is for children.

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