THEN
June 1968 Thursday - Night before
Graduation
It's 2 in the morning and I
just got home from the beach. Ron, Bill and I went grunion hunting but
we were so drunk, we forgot to bring buckets. We ended up sticking all
the fish in our pockets.
I now sit in a room loaded
with beer cans and a half empty rum bottle. My pants are emitting the
distinct aroma of fish.
June ?, 1968 Friday - Graduation
Night
Tonight I went through the
process of graduating and receiving my diploma. Instead of feeling
like I accomplished anything, I now feel like I've failed more than ever.
When I look at my past years of study, I find that I have contributed
nothing to the world let alone the school. I have few friends and I
have advanced little in improving my social relations. When I compare myself
to the other students, I find that I am literally unknown. I almost
feel that I don't deserve to graduate. I never put myself out in my work.
In general I feel I am a
failure mentally as well as socially. I have tried to rationalize and I have
tried to improve myself yet I always meet the same results. At
present, I am nothing.
Though out my life the
biggest obstacle has been my shyness. I am actually terrified of
people and I am terrified of any circumstances which may bring attention on
myself. I hide my talents, emotions and ideas. I live in fear that people
will notice me and I do everything possible to keep that from happening. I
sit nervously in class, never saying anything, hoping to be lost in the
crowd. I try desperately to act natural but my shaky voice gives me
away. I ask myself what the fear is and I see there should be none - yet it
is there.
I've read that the best thing
to do is build confidence but I find that almost impossible. I am one
of those persons who will always be referred to as, "The quiet guy in the
back of the room", "The Wallflower" or "The Introvert." I'm succeeding in
going through life unnoticed and yet I have a great desire to be remembered.
Somehow the two don't go together. Underlying all this is the fear that I
will live forever in fear.
Last night I re-read some of
my old notes and I was somewhat surprised and ashamed. They are so
immature. (in places they seem almost illiterate). Instead of helping
me I'm afraid they do more harm. It's easy to cover up ones
inadequacies in your mind but when they lay before you in black and white
they can't be forgotten or hidden.
That takes care of my past,
now lets see what's in store for my future.
