Backward Rain

  May 28, 2004


November 1, 2005
September 22, 2005
September 18, 2005
September 7, 2005
August 27, 2005
August 21, 2005
July 30, 2005
July 13,2005
April 18, 2005
March 24, 2005
January 24, 2005

The Archives



To receive a
note when I
update my journal
Click Here


May 28, 2004 - Friday

The Clean-Up

On Wednesday the county inspector came and approved the clean-up of our last burned building.

The Job

The Crew
Jim, Catherine, Grace




June 1968 Thursday - Night before Graduation

It's 2 in the morning and I just got home from the beach.  Ron, Bill and I went grunion hunting but we were so drunk, we forgot to bring buckets.  We ended up sticking all the fish in our pockets.

I now sit in a room loaded with beer cans and a half empty rum bottle. My pants are emitting the distinct aroma of fish.

June ?, 1968 Friday - Graduation Night

Tonight I went through the process of graduating and receiving my diploma.  Instead of feeling like I accomplished anything, I now feel like I've failed more than ever. When I look at my past years of study, I find that I have contributed nothing to the world let alone the school.  I have few friends and I have advanced little in improving my social relations. When I compare myself to the other students, I find that I am literally unknown.  I almost feel that I don't deserve to graduate. I never put myself out in my work.

In general I feel I am a failure mentally as well as socially. I have tried to rationalize and I have tried to improve myself yet I always meet the same results.  At present, I am nothing.

Though out my life the biggest obstacle has been my shyness.  I am actually terrified of people and I am terrified of any circumstances which may bring attention on myself. I hide my talents, emotions and ideas. I live in fear that people will notice me and I do everything possible to keep that from happening. I sit nervously in class, never saying anything, hoping to be lost in the crowd.  I try desperately to act natural but my shaky voice gives me away. I ask myself what the fear is and I see there should be none - yet it is there.

I've read that the best thing to do is build confidence but I find that almost impossible.  I am one of those persons who will always be referred to as, "The quiet guy in the back of the room", "The Wallflower" or "The Introvert." I'm succeeding in going through life unnoticed and yet I have a great desire to be remembered. Somehow the two don't go together. Underlying all this is the fear that I will live forever in fear.

Last night I re-read some of my old notes and I was somewhat surprised and ashamed.  They are so immature. (in places they seem almost illiterate).  Instead of helping me I'm afraid they do more harm.  It's easy to cover up ones inadequacies in your mind but when they lay before you in black and white they can't be forgotten or hidden.

That takes care of my past, now lets see what's in store for my future.

Back Next